This is kind of old news and I wasn’t sure it was worth mentioning, but Dina and Michael Lohan have reached an agreement on their divorce settlement. Us reports:

Though the terms of the agreement were not disclosed, state Supreme Court Justice Robert A. Ross reportedly told the Lohans, ?You have both demonstrated to me extraordinarily good judgment in resolving this matter as you did.? Despite today’s events, the Lohans will be in family court on Sept. 6 to determine a custody and visitation agreement for their underage children, 13-year-old Aliana and 11-year-old Dakota.

Granted, Michael Lohan has been in jail for the past two years on DUI and assault charges, the custody battle will be a tough call for any judge. How does one choose between Dina Lohan and an ex-con? During the trial Dina will refer to the younger children as ?Lindsay Jr.? and ?Mommy?s Little Coke-mule? while Michael drunkenly fights his own chair. The judge will draw a smiley face on his gavel and award it custody of the children. People in the courtroom will applaud. Even the Lohan?s attorneys will cheer and proclaim this to be the greatest judgment in the history of law. A small, wooden hammer instead of our own clients, they?ll say. How do you beat that?

The West Hollywood mayor?s office is investigating the parking enforcement officers who allegedly asked Vida Guerra for nude pics of herself in exchange for not giving her a ticket. And apparently Vida wasn?t the only one who got hit by these two. TMZ says:

After two starstruck parking cops bragged that they had nailed Hayden Panettiere a few days before, the serial celebrity citationers swooped in on Vida’s white Range Rover and planted a ticket on her windshield. When the cheeky chick got back to her ride, she told our photog that the parking officer made one thing clear — if she forked over some naked pics of herself, she would get off.

Okay, so two brainiacs are abusing the legal system. Yeah, it?s terrible, they should be fired blah blah blah. The real travesty here is that nude photos of Hayden Panettiere will only get you out of a parking ticket! C?mon! Is it because she?s not 18, yet? That I can understand, but when she turns 18 tomorrow she should be allowed to shoot the President as long as she leaves a saucy pic behind. I’m 90% sure that’s how the legal system works.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback and super asshole Michael Vick accepted a plea deal and prison sentence today after pleading guilty to illegal dogfighting. The offense is punishable by up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Michael Vick’s attorney announced in a statement today:

“After consulting with his family over the weekend, Michael Vick asked that I announce today that he has reached an agreement with federal prosecutors regarding the charges pending against him. Mr. Vick has agreed to enter a plea of guilty to those charges and to accept full responsibility for his actions and the mistakes he has made. Michael wishes to apologize again to everyone who has been hurt by this matter.”

Three of Vick’s original co-defendants have already pleaded guilty and agreed to testify against him if the case goes to trial, saying Vick also participated in executing at least eight under-performing dogs by various means, including drowning and hanging. Wow, this guy drowned and hung defenseless dogs. What a real big man. This must be the kind of person comic book superheroes are based off of.

Kimberly Stewart was spotted running around in a bikini looking really gross, but also hot, but also really really gross. I’m not a doctor (just kidding, yes I am) but I’m pretty sure an ass isn’t supposed to look like this. Actually, I’m pretty sure nothing is supposed to like this. Doesn’t nature have laws against it? In olden times they would’ve put her in a cage and drowned her. Not for any particular reason but, you know, because she’s a woman. That’s kind of what they did back then.